


It's Not You, It's (Not) Me

by maximumdanger



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Body Dysphoria, Camping, Canon Backstory, Codependency, Communication, Consent, F/M, Friendship/Love, Identity Issues, Kissing, Loss, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Yeza Brenatto/Nott | Veth Brenatto, Mutual Pining, Nott | Veth Brenatto-centric, POV Third Person, Pre-Canon, Secrets, Sharing a Bed, Understanding, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximumdanger/pseuds/maximumdanger
Summary: Nothing is the same anymore, and everything feels wrong, but Caleb makes it feel right.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	It's Not You, It's (Not) Me

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Contains spoilers for Nott's backstory and a retraction of consent. (This work DOES NOT contain rape/non-con/dub-con elements.)
> 
> A/N: No Peer Review We Die Like Men. I've never written any sort of sexual content before, so sorry if the rating is off! Feel free to correct me on that and I'll change it if I can.
> 
> Please enjoy, and leave a comment letting me know what you enjoyed and what I could improve on! I am an amateur at creative writing, so I'm always open to your suggestions :).

There were moments indeed when Veth- no, Nott- had a craving for the life she once had. There were mornings when the sun came through her window, and she and her husband were bathed in the early morning sun. His soft brown hair caught the light, and his sleepy eyes drew her in. She was in a body that is warm and familiar and comfortable, a body that was hers. Beneath a lovingly stitched quilt, her bare skin pressed against her husband's, and his lips brushed against her shoulder, and all was well and right in the world. Then, she woke up, and it was all gone again, and a moment passed before she remembered that she wasn't Veth anymore.

Every day, she woke up to find she was no longer herself, and she was a long way from the life she knew. She could never go back, though she ached for the body that was rightfully hers, for the bed and house and husband that once awaited her wakefulness each morning. She wondered if they still waited for her now, if they remembered her at all. There was something, she thought, to be said about fairness in the world. Those who finally found happiness after lives of misery found it just as quickly swept away under them, like a rug pulled beneath their feet, and they were left shattered and aching in a heap on the ground. It wasn't her life anymore. She would never again see that familiar love in her husband's eyes, and she could hardly stand to see what she had become. So, she found somebody who could. Rather, he found her.

She watched him now, as his hands moved delicately through the pages of his spellbook. They traced arcs and sigils, fingers sliding across shapes and markings on the rough parchment held together with a cracked leather spine. He cared for that book deeply, though its edges were rough and its leather cracked. He did everything he could to keep it held together. There was an admiration in his eyes as his lips moved without sound while he read and reread its yellowed pages. The glow of their campfire danced across his face, painting the wall of the cave behind him with living patterns. A familiar thought came to her once again: beneath the grime and facial hair and oversized clothing that he hid himself away in, he really was a very handsome man.

She should hope she found him to be a handsome man. She was the one who kissed him when they last shared a bed in an inn. He was not just handsome, though, he was different. A deep sadness lurked behind his eyes, try as he may to present himself as unfeeling. That unfeeling disposition had to be an act. She couldn't say she was the most introspective of people, but the way he kissed her… she imagined it was hard to fake that. There was a gentleness in the way he touched her, how his hands lifted her hair away from her face, how they gently tilted her chin upwards when he pressed a kiss to her cheek. He'd told her that he cared about her, and it didn't feel like a lie. She hoped it wasn't.

She'd become quite dependent on him.

"Nott?" he prompted. His eyes were on her now, and she realized in that moment that she had been staring at him for quite some time. His gaze was like a spotlight. "Is there something wrong? You look as though you are in another place."

Gods, how would she even begin to answer that?

She straightened herself up. "Nothing wrong," she said, "Can I ask what you're reading?" She fixed her eyes on the open book in his lap, and caught a glimpse of some sigils and writing in a language that she did not understand.

"The same as usual. I have just been reviewing _Find Familiar._ I am at a bit of a loss without my cat. I would like to see him again soon," Caleb said, giving a tight lipped smile, somewhere between the smiles he gave her and the smiles he gave the people they scammed.

"You know," he added quickly, with more enthusiasm, "I cannot learn many of the spells I have here for quite some time, so I have some extra energy I can devote elsewhere. Perhaps you would like to learn some of this at some point? I have been told in the past that I am a pretty good teacher."

_He wants me here. He wants me to stay._

"Yes! I'd learn some. I think I have some work to do on my crossbow skills before I can really start practicing them, though."

He smiled wider, and although there was a wateriness in his eyes, she could have sworn she saw something in them shift.

"That is excellent news! Perhaps, ehm, you can do a bit of reading with me? Plenty of room on this side of the cavern." He patted the hardened ground next to him. She obliged him, circling around the fire and settling in by his side. He settled the book down on his knee, and wrapped an arm around her, so that he could still turn the pages. He looked down at her, and his eyes felt kind, and she felt warm despite how the rigid cold of the cavern seeped into her legs and back.

"Before we read any of this, I must tell you the most important thing about magic," he spoke, very matter-of-fact.

"And what would that be?" She smirked.

In an instant, he looked 10 years younger. "You can already use it."

\--

It was cold. It was less so with him beside her, a bedroll beneath them, and his tattered coat enveloping them. The coat was dirty, it always was, but so were the both of them. Besides, if she had not already gotten used to it while living with her former captors, she would have certainly gotten used to it while travelling with Caleb. Sometimes, when it was warm enough, she could pretend she was in her house again, and all of the feelings of her physical state, and where she was now, simply went away.

But, right now, she didn't want it to go away, because she was facing Caleb and running her hand down his cheekbone to his jaw, and back up behind his ear, and there was _fondness_ in his eyes. He brought his own hand up to hers, and held it there for a moment, before drawing it in front of him to press a kiss to her fingers.

_Why?_

It had become normal, the fond gestures, some time after they met, after spending time together, and especially after she had kissed him. There was trust, and respect, and mutual understandings, and silent agreements. But where this fit in, she wasn't always sure. Surely, he couldn't _actually_ have feelings for her.

Could he?

He'd let Nott kiss him, reciprocated, but did that even mean anything? 

She focused her eyes back on him, and realized she must have looked far away again, because his expression was poised, ready to question, or perhaps ready to be questioned. She was happy to provide for the latter.

"Caleb," she murmured, "Why did you let me kiss you that one night?"

His expression changed to something quizzical, raising an eyebrow, and he gestured with her hand still in his. "I thought that was quite obvious."

She couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. "I meant, more specifically, Caleb: how do you feel about me?"

_Do you love me?_

He sighed, a warm smile still on his lips, and lowered their hands down to the bedroll between them. "Well," he said gently, "you are my dearest friend, the person I am closest to in the world at the moment. I, ehm… hold you in very high regard, Nott the Brave. I can only hope that you feel the same way."

"I do." Her heart raced, and she was almost grateful in the moment that a goblin's blush was subtle. It felt like wedding vows.

"You do not need to doubt my feelings for you, _Schatz._ I… I do love you. Very much so."

Her eyes grew wide (more so than they were already), and she bolted upright on the bedroll. A wide grin crept across her face. She brought up her shaking hand to cover it, while her other hand still gripped Caleb's tightly. Her thoughts were racing, but one emerged dominant above all others:

_He loves me. He loves me. He loves me._

She almost did not register him sitting up beside her with all her racing thoughts, but when she did, she turned to see that familiar wateriness had returned to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, should I not have said that? I do not mean to force any of my feelings onto you. I understand if you do not feel the same-"

"No!" she interrupted him, uncovering her mouth. "I do! I… did you really mean that? You love me?"

"I do. Are you okay with this? Are you sure that…" he trailed off.

"I am. Just please, can you say it again?"

_I didn't think I'd ever hear that again._

"I can. I love you, Nott the Brave."

He sounded so sure about it. He looked so sincere. She almost believed him. She could almost...

"I'm sorry, Nott. Maybe I do not seem it, but I am a bit out of practice with, ehm, anything like this." He cleared his throat. "Can I-"

"Yes." A bit of shock overcame his expression, but it quickly passed, giving way to his smile again. He leaned towards her, downward, and his hand came to her cheek, cradling her face. It felt just like before.

Caleb wasn't perfect, but Yeza hadn't been perfect, either. Her wizard's lips were chapped, and his scruff of a beard was a bit in the way, but she was no better off than him. And he was warm.

She moved her arms up to rest his shoulders, hugging herself close to him, and surrendered herself to the kiss. _I love you._ She pulled herself onto his lap. His thighs were a bit wider than she was used to. _I love you._ His other hand moved down to the small of her back _. I love you._ She leaned forward, pushed him back onto the bedroll. She heard him sigh. _I love you._ She trailed a hand down his chest, his abdomen, under the waist of his trousers, onto his bare skin. _I love-_

He froze.

_Fuck._

She pulled back and looked down at Caleb. His eyes were lightless and empty. She hated it when he looked like that. She felt heat crawling up her back, pricking at her nerves, and settling heavy and sick in her stomach. He took Nott's hand, moved it away from his abdomen, holding it in his own. It was gentle. He was careful, moving slowly and deliberately. He looked her in the eyes the whole time, his hand still gingerly on her cheek. None of it felt right. The silence stretched infinity between them. It was all wrong.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I thought… I can't… I can't."

She looked down at their hands, still intertwined. She couldn't do this either. She felt her face flushing again, but she wasn't warm anymore. She was burning, and couldn't help the tears breaching at the corner of her eyes. For a moment, she'd felt like herself again. Now, she was crashing back down, and she'd gone up in flames as she fell.

"Is it… is it me?" she finally squeaked out.

"No. No, never you. I promise."

"Then, why?" She didn't know why she asked that. She didn't know why she felt like this.

Caleb drew his hand away from her cheek. He propped himself up on his elbow, as much as he could with her still perched on his lap. They sat in heavy, thick silence, and with every passing second, Nott felt the inferno of dread closing in around her. He was still holding her hand, and she did not know if the sweat between their fingers was hers or his.

"I am sorry," he finally said, "I, ehm, I just need some time. I promise it is not your fault. I am… I respect you very much. I am just not ready."

She willed herself to believe him. He looked almost pitiful, with his hair a mess, his eyebrows knitted together, and a pathetic attempt at a reassuring expression. She realized she looked no better than him. She'd remembered who she is now. But it wasn't about her this time.

"Okay." Nott let go of Caleb's hand, and carefully moved herself off of his lap, flopping onto the bedroll beside him. The hard cave floor beneath it hurt her only a bit.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I respect your boundaries, Mr. Widogast. You wait as long as you need."

"Thank you. I… thank you."

The silence returned for some while. She listened to Caleb's breathing as it slowed, and if she could not see him perfectly, wide awake, in the dark, she might have been able to convince herself that he'd fallen asleep before her. But he hadn't, so she willed herself to speak until she finally could.

"I love you, too."

"Hm?"

"I didn't say it back earlier. I love you, too. You're a very handsome young wizard, and you're very intelligent, and you deserve the best."

He managed a laugh. "I already have the best right here. I couldn't ask for more."

Nott smiled to herself in the dark. "Likewise." She willed the words to sink in. She couldn't question the sincerity.

He'd stay with her. He'd be her wizard. She'd be herself again. They'd make everything right. Even if Yeza didn't want her anymore, didn't remember her, she'd have her wizard. She had him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :-)


End file.
